a high priest who is able to empathize (Hebrews 4)

The "recliner" in ICU has to be one of the most uncomfortable chairs I've experienced. I have wiggled and twisted to try and find a comfortable perch, but to no avail. I thought perhaps not sitting nicely was the unavoidable side effect of a chair that is designed to lie flat, but have discovered that's not true either. It turns out that when completely stretched out, the chair keeps you at the perfect angle where you're not actually sliding off, but you think you might at any moment. I finally figure out that if I hook one leg over the armrest, i gain just enough confidence that i can doze a little without fear of ending up in the floor. It would be comical if the setting weren't so serious.

I sit with my friend whom I love. With each breath, she is a little less my companion and a little more an empty shell, one step closer to freedom from the body that has tortured her. One step closer to restoration. Despite everything that I believe about Jesus, I feel raw, and sad, and helpless.

My mind goes often to a story of Mary and Martha in the Bible. Their brother Lazarus has died, and Jesus is late in arriving. "If you had been here, he wouldn't have died!" rages Martha. (But I do not feel rage at a lack of a miracle. I feel heart-broken. ) Jesus approaches the mourners, the tomb of his friend Lazarus, and he weeps. Jesus wept. Jesus knows that in a few minutes he will do the unthinkable - he will bring stinky-old-Lazarus back to life. Mary and Martha will grieve no more; they will be reconciled with their living, breathing brother. But in this moment, they weep, and Jesus weeps with them.

From this comes my consolation tonight. Not from the platitudes that ease the rational mind but leave the soul exposed: she won't be hurting anymore... she'll be in a better place... I'll see her again someday... oh, her joy, her joy! No, tonight my consolation comes in knowing that Jesus knows all these things too but - right here and right now - I am hurting and Jesus weeps with me. My God grieves with me. God, who made the Universe! who will raise Diane and eventually all of us from these lives which cause us pain and hurt, this same God of sun and moon and stars ... sees my tears and weeps with me.