Confessions upon my return

I cant stop thinking about Haiti. Not in a heart-broken, longing way. Nor in the difficult-to-adjust to being home kind of way my teammates warned me about. Just in a wow, let's not forget this kind of way. I will tell anyone who shows the slightest interest about my adventures (there's your fair warning) and I'm selling jewelry and metal crosses everywhere I go (just in case you're interested...), and I'm mentally planning my next trip - although i haven't yet broken it to Ben.

See, here's the thing. Every night for a long time I've gone to bed with a heart-thumping feeling that feels very much like a panic attack, except that I'm not panicked. I've always chalked it up to being overtired. I have been sleep-deprived for ten years now, after all. But guess what? I didn't get that feeling in Haiti. Not once. So I'm thinking maybe it really is panic, or anxiety. I mean, I fall asleep mentally listing all the things I should've done today and didn't, trying to burn into my memory the thing that must happen first when i wake up so some kid doesn't end up at school without their lunch or I don't arrive at a committee meeting without the printouts I need.

So my question is, can I capture that calm while I'm home? The feeling at the end of the day that I've served God and mankind to the best of my ability and tomorrow holds what it holds - in God's hands? Maybe I could, but what would I give up? Feeding my children? Doubt it. It would certainly appear to the casual observer that I've given up laundry to no greet affect!

So here is the answer. The wise Frank Broyles told me years ago that true ministry blesses both parties, that we don't minister to, but with, others. And I see clearly here that this is true. I could not go around Haiti administering scabies treatments alone. Heck, I couldn't diagnose scabies! And so I was in ministry with that amazing group of women and men. But more importantly, when I was in Haiti, a group of beautiful women removed my need to cook and to clean (and to do laundry), and so my hours were free to love babies. Wow, did they minister to me!

And so when it comes right down to it, my trip to Haiti was an indulgence. My family endured my absence, the women cared for my physical needs, and my team let me do the one job I really really loved with those scabies treatments. And so was it hard, hot work? Yes. Was the gratification purely selfish in what I gained each day? Oh, yes. Will I do it again? Absolutely! When do we leave?




(me, laughing when the waiter brought me four hot dogs. But it easily could've a couple other dozen occasions that week. Thanks, team, for an awesome week!)